Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Pardon My Language, But...

2/17/16: Hiking in the city of Fullerton before Nancy shared some heartbreaking news (joyous news to her) with me.

...FUUUUUUUCK! So earlier today, I went hiking with Nancy in the city of Fullerton in Orange County. Things were going great until she got a phone call right after we left Craig Regional Park (one of our hiking spots) to walk over to a nearby bank where Nancy deposited a check. After that call, Nancy hung up her phone, turned to look at me, and nonchalantly said, "Oh by the way, I'm having a baby." (That call was obviously from the doctor with whom she paid a visit yesterday. Found this out right after she dropped the bombshell.) What was my response to that, you ask? Well— Over the past 2-3 years or so, I must've totally did a bang-up job hiding my true feelings about Nancy, or getting myself friend-zoned, considering the fact that she was surprised at my reaction to her news. She thought it was just mere shock, but it was more than that. It was shock, anger and devastation (even though I lied to her and said that "this was great news" a few seconds later). I should've known this day was coming since she first told me she was engaged in late 2012, got married last summer, and now will become a mother—to another man's child.

I know, I know... I'm a complete dumbass for continuing to talk to Nancy despite the fact she told me right off the bat when we first met that she was off-limits. For the last year or so, I was trying to distance myself from Nancy by coming up with excuses to not hike with her whenever she texted me, and for sounding non-enthusiastic whenever she texted me about other things. But it was us working together in Pasadena last week that brought back my strong feelings for her...and why I was gonna say 'yes' to Nancy whenever she texted me to hang out from that point on. (We also got together last Monday; getting Filipino grub at some bakeshop in Artesia, near Long Beach.)

The big question is: What do I do now? Do I cut things off with Nancy (again, I know: I should've cut her off when we first met)? Unfriend her on Facebook? Remove the photos of us hiking from Facebook and my personal website (if you look real hard, you'll find 'em)? Delete her phone number from my phone? All of these would be the prudent thing to do if not for the fact I might see her at work again. If ever I needed a good reason to go lookin' for another job, this would be it.

So yea... Today was a horrendous day. You know that God or karma is playing a huge joke on me when the one girl I've met who made me think about settling down and get married is already settled down and now married to someone else. Yea, fuck you karma. If only you guys saw just how loudly I yelled "Fuuuuuck" (twice) inside my car as I drove away from Nancy and the park [we returned to our vehicles (on my own volition) right away, after Nancy shared what was supposed to be joyous news] to head home five hours ago. But I didn't head home right away... I drove to random locations and walked around their parking lots for several minutes pondering about the girl I truly cared about who officially and fully got away from me.

This is much, much more devastating than when Denise—a Vietnamese girl I knew back in college—told me that she had a boyfriend in an e-mail back in January of 2001.


2/17/16: Hiking in the city of Fullerton before Nancy shared some heartbreaking news (joyous news to her) with me.

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