Is it morally wrong to have profound resentment towards a family member? I’m pretty sure it is, but who cares. That’s how I feel towards one of my siblings (who'll obviously go nameless), who I feel I’m becoming more like each day because of the way I approach things…which really, really sucks.
That sibling has already reached an age (as of right now, 15 years away from the half-century mark) where that person should no longer be living with my parents. But that person still does…and while that sibling maintains that he (oops, I’m getting too specific) doesn’t have enough money to move out, he was able to buy (actually lease, but what’s the friggin’ difference?) two nice-ass cars. You can’t move out of the house and yet you can buy a BMW and lease a Nissan 350Z? Um, something’s wrong here.
And that sibling complains about how one of my other siblings and I (four of us total in the family) don’t talk to him much whenever he’s home. It might be because he’s worn out his welcome at home, and we, to put it subtly, can no longer stand being next to him. He tries to start up conversations for the sake of starting conversations, even if the topics are the most inane, lamest things ever heard (one conversation involved this sibling being amused by the design of gas pumps at this one gas station in Diamond Bar, while another conversation involved a “lively” observation about West Covina being a lot smaller city than Walnut and Diamond Bar. Well woopty friggin’-doo).
So when did this resentment begin? Why, in high school of course. Sophomore year to be exact. I used to like hangin’ out with this sibling, till one day I went on a delivery with him (he used to work with my dad at his pharmacy). I was just contemplating to myself, being quiet, when he casually brought up a question…and then suddenly broke out in a tantrum ‘cause I wasn’t talking to him. I said something to start a conversation, but he thought I was being a smartass and gave me the finger. So all was quiet on the way home, and this is when my disgust for this sibling began. Later that night, this sibling came home trying to make amends by buying me the newest VHS edition of the Star Wars Trilogy (the digitally remastered edition that came out in August of 1995… This incident took place later that year)—I know, I know...here I go mentioning Star Wars again in my Blog—but that made things WORSE. In all honesty, I really wasn’t that bothered when this sibling cussed me out earlier in the day. But when he came home, with that VHS set in hand, I was thinking “dude, don’t kiss ass now.” I wasn’t looking for an apology. I learned at that minute that the nicer you are to people, or the more nice things you do for them, THEY’LL RESENT YOU…‘cause they think you have an ulterior motive. And in this sibling’s case, there always IS an ulterior motive.
This sibling didn’t find out that he got on my nerves till senior year in high school. Since then, he tried not to bother me as much. But the memories remained. I remember how he would come home from work late at night and the first thing he did was run upstairs to my room to chat. I would be in my room, doing my own thing, and suddenly hear footsteps quickly going up the stairs, and would think “G*ddamn it!” And next thing you know, this sibling is in my room, closing the door behind him, and beginning to chat. Now, many of you are probably thinking, “But this is your sibling. He just wants to talk to you. You’re family.” That was the case till that 1995 incident I mentioned in the previous paragraph…and while you guys are now thinking, “Dude, that’s in the past, MOVE ON”…there’s more. And it involves the present.
Since junior high school, this sibling would occasionally make a remark about how he “hates girls” because of the things they did (or didn’t do, but I DON’T want to think about THAT) to him, and how he would stay single for the rest of his life ‘cause he didn’t want a woman to tell him what to do. I don’t need to hear that. It just pisses me off that this sibling would decide to be a loner forever. For good, bad and DEFINITELY WORSE, he’s the one sibling who made the most impact on me in my family.
The way I write, the way I got interested in things when I was young (such as video games and the military; that sibling had a grip-load of jet books he used to buy), my interest in drawing… That all came from that sibling (though I’m unsure about the drawing part). Unfortunately, the anger that I now have...the fact I’ll get angry right off the bat if my mom asks me to do something or says something…that came from that sibling…since he would get pissed off all of a sudden. And the little things I do today, I realize that that sibling does as well. Almost every night, that sibling would go out into the backyard and stand there looking up at the stars or whatever and pondering to himself…probably about all the negative things that happened in his life. I would go out into the backyard during some nights, and ponder to myself as well…ALSO thinking about the sh*tty things that happened in my life. And then I would think, “F*ck, this is what that sibling does too!” So it really feels like I’m following the same path as this person. WHICH SUCKS.
What REALLY makes me resent this sibling is the thought that the way I feel about him is the way other people might feel about me. My sibling gets on my nerves because he brings up the lamest topic in order to start a conversation… Do other people get annoyed at me because I’m unwittingly bringing up lame topics just to start a conversation? I wish I knew. Each time I talk to someone, and they seem to be giving off a vibe like I mentioned something that’s awkward to them, it makes me feel even angrier at that sibling. And the WORST FEELING about this is when I feel that vibe from a girl I’m talking to who I really like (I have a picture of one of those girls on my website). And what makes me even MORE FURIOUS is that that sibling won’t be moving out of the house for a very long time (a part of that being attributed to my parents doing something that screwed every one of us—except my sister—at home. Won’t go into specifics).…and since people are influenced by their immediate environment and those around them, I’m ROYALLY SCREWED. Unless I move out of the house soon…but I haven’t exactly been doing a lot of job hunting recently, have I?
I feel that the only way I could probably regain respect for this sibling is if he acts his age and moves out of the house, away from my parents…and away from me and my other sibling. Ever seen that one Washington Mutual commercial where that one guy, suddenly inclined to tell the truth, tells this woman at a bar that he “still lives at home with his mother and never had a girlfriend”? That’s like my sibling, though he’s had girlfriends before. But he’s still the butt of jokes about almost-middle-aged guys still living at home with their parents.
The one sibling who I really respect (though I’m probably jinxing it now) is my sister…who not only lives out of the house, but is engaged. Sure, I’ve never been to her or her fiance’s theater shows whenever she invites me, but you can obviously blame me on that. My sister is too busy prepping for her wedding next year, whereas my other sibling continues to order crap from these military surplus catalogues he gets in the mail. A few weeks ago, he showed me a pair of hand-cuffs that he ordered from a catalogue. HAND-CUFFS!! Okay, my sibling’s NOT a police officer…NOR does he have a girlfriend (okay, I’m feeling nauseous typing hand-cuffs, sibling, and girlfriend in the same sentence)…so what the f*ck are you gonna do with those hand-cuffs?? Did I also mention he has a blue NASA spaceflight suit hanging in his closet? Okay, my sibling’s NOT a police officer…NOR does he have a girlfriend… and he’s WAY too G*ddamn short to fly onboard the space shuttle. Damn…
What obviously sets me apart from my friends is that they seem to enjoy hanging out with their oldest siblings. But here's something I notice about them: One of my friends occasionally goes to the bar with her oldest sister—who’s been married since 2001. One of my other friends usually invites his younger brother and sister out to places—but this friend is the boyfriend of one of my other friends, who I’ve known since sophomore year in high school (Go here to see a picture of them). One of my other friends usually hangs out with his younger and oldest sister. The youngest sister has a boyfriend and the oldest one was engaged a few years ago, but now is with another guy. Notice the trend here? My friends like hangin’ out with their oldest siblings who are acting their age and found companionship. Whereas the sibling I’m talking about is downstairs performing his usual nightly routine of cleaning around the house, even though it’s 12:46 AM as of this writing.
Sh*t, I could write more…but I think you guys got the point. The sibling I talk about is a bad example to me. Not because he smokes cigarettes. Or does drugs. Or is an alcoholic. But because of the way he approaches life. Like he’s resigned himself to a life of being single, of being predictable, of spending his time going to the mountains alone on most weekends and/or vacations and acting like a hermit, and of buying the most inane items to make up for such a pitiable (RE: sad) life. And guess what? I feel like I’m heading towards the same direction... Unless I try not to allow myself to be influenced by this sibling, or he finally becomes a role model and acts his age. ‘Nuff said.
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