LosAngelesfootballstadium.com

An NFL team in the City of Industry? SWEEET! If it happens, of course. Word’s been out since April 17 about a new proposal to bring professional football back to Los Angeles by 2011, and it wasn’t till two days after that that I heard details of the plan. A couple of friends told me that a billionaire, Edward P. Roski Jr., is offering to build a 75,000-seat stadium in the City of Industry, which is only a few miles from where I live! To be exact, it would only be a 7-mile drive, taking side streets from my house, heading to the proposed location for the new arena (as opposed to a 30-35 mile trip west to either STAPLES Center or Dodger Stadium; or 20-plus miles going south to Honda Center or Angel Stadium...the last two of which I haven’t been to yet. Despite the fact Orange County is a lot closer to me than L.A.). The exact site for the would-be arena is where the 57 and 60 freeways merge in the San Gabriel Valley...right between the cities of Walnut and Diamond Bar. The stadium would be built in the middle of hills that we locals affectionately call "The Boonies".



My family attends Mass at a Catholic Church in Diamond Bar (even though we live in the city of... Wouldn’t YOU like to know?). Do you realize how bad traffic would be driving to Diamond Bar on a Sunday if a Super Bowl was held at the stadium, a very likely prospect if it is indeed built (the entrance to the complex would be accessible from Grand Avenue...the main road we take to church)? Oh well. Of course, that’s the least of our worries right now. First and foremost, which current National Football League team would want to relocate to the San Gabriel Valley? The New Orleans Saints? The San Diego Chargers? Or the Minnesota Vikings? Take your pick. And would the team change its name? Here’re a couple of suggestions if they do: The Los Angeles Hustlers. The Los Angeles Rush (as in rush hour. Haha). The Los Angeles Gangbangers (YEA RIGHT). Or...the Los Angeles Prima Donnas. If any of you out-of-state folks ever visit Los Angeles or Hollywood, you’ll know what I’m talking about with that last one. That is all.


LosAngelesfootballstadium.com

THE BUTT-OUT TOOL... I was browsing through today’s mail when I saw that one of my siblings received a catalogue for Cabela’s...a company that sells hunting and camping supplies. Looking through the brochure, and seeing all the nifty gizmos that people use to rob wild animals of their lives with (don’t worry, I’m not as offended as I sound with that PC comment), I stumbled upon one item of note: the Butt-Out Tool. This plastic object (which, duh, could obviously be utilized as a sex toy as well), is used to remove the anal alimentary canal from deer or any other wildlife of the same size. I guess the reason for this is because, like with humans, a deer’s bowels loosen up after death...and you don’t want all that crap spilling out while the carcass is still on the flatbed of some slaughterer—err, hunter’s pickup truck. So you use the Butt-Out Tool to remove the canal from the deer’s ass, twist the canal out and tie it before you cut the membrane off. And voila: No spilled s**t as a butcher—err, hunter—brings his trophy back home for final cleaning. Or I maybe wrong. Whatever. By the way, I’m still not offended by wildlife hunters. I just like teasing these happy bunch of pseudo serial killers. Just kidding again.


It definitely sucks to be a deer. Not only does some biped schmuck take you out with a bullet or a steel arrowhead, but he (or she) adds insult to injury (more like fatality) by butt-raping you when you’re dead. I pity wildlife.



Expect in the future to stumble upon an adult film where you see two porn stars dressed as hunters getting’ it on in the wild. And the Butt-Out Tool is one of many objects handily used for pleasure in the video. Later.

NEXT UP: UTAH... C'mon now. Do you really think T-Mac and the Houston Rockets will finally step up after being down 3 games to 1 against the Jazz in this series? Unless of course, we see a reincarnation of the 2006 Phoenix Suns (when they defeated the Lakers after being down 3-1 in the first round of the playoffs that year)... Anyways, here are some videos that you may have already seen over the past few weeks:

Kobe Bryant jumps over an Aston Martin



Kenny Smith shows that he doesn't have the same hops as KB24



The TOP 10 plays of KB24 during the 2007/08 regular season



Go Lakers.

THE NEW DARK KNIGHT POSTER... Did Batman start that fire so he could display his symbol on that building? What was he thinking?? Haha. The next theatrical trailer for The Dark Knight should be out soon...



UPDATE (April 28): This international poster was also released recently. Apparently, the Caped Crusader is escaping on his Batpod after he set that building on fire. Pretty cool, though.

WHAT I’VE DONE... This video was posted last August, but Transformers rocks, and so does the Linkin Park song made for the movie...so I’ll post the video here anyway.

EXACTLY ONE MONTH FROM NOW, the Phoenix Mars Lander will hopefully touch down safely on the Red Planet’s surface. Stay tuned...



PHOENIX Blog Entries Archive:

May 8, 2007
July 28, 2007
August 3, 2007
August 4, 2007
August 8, 2007
October 25, 2007
April 11, 2008

OPTIMUS PRIME VS. BUMBLEBEE... In last year’s blockbuster film, we saw that Transformers can go on bowel movements (or at least Bumblebee could). In this cool little stop-motion animated clip, we see that they’re also vulnerable to hits on the crotch. Or at least Autobots are. "With karate, I’ll kick your ass!"

FAREWELL, NIGHTHAWK... Today, the U.S. Air Force has quietly begun retiring the F-117A Stealth Fighter. If the Nighthawk were a person (preferably a hot Asian chick with long black hair and about my height), I’d say this to her: "Thanks for all your hard work and dedication over the past 20 years. Your service in Panama in the late 1980’s, the ’91 Gulf War, Bosnia in ‘99 and that illegal war George Dubya started in ’03 will be greatly appreciated. Did you also fight in the war against the Taliban in 2001? I forgot. I think you did. Anyways... Stay sleek, mysterious and sexy. You'll always be in my dreams. Love- McParno."

Yea, I know. That was totally friggin' weird.

THE FORBIDDEN KINGDOM... I saw the film with a few friends yesterday, and it was entertaining. Actually, it was really entertaining! The movie had some cheesy/campy moments in it, but all in all, it was pretty cool to see Jackie Chan and Jet Li finally team up in this action adventure flick. Not only did he conduct his usual kick-ass stunts, but Jackie Chan as Lu Yan was friggin’ hilarious! He had some funny lines in The Forbidden Kingdom, and there was one REALLY funny scene where he was trying to use his immortal powers to summon rain in a desert. Needless to say, Chan summoned something...but it sure as hell wasn’t water! You’d have to watch the movie to know what I’m talking about.



Jet Li was his usual silent but cool self...hence is why he is called The Silent Monk in Kingdom. Only when (SPOILER Ahead) he was dressed as the Monkey King (End SPOILER) did Li act all goofy and mischievous. But that’s how the Monkey King is in Chinese folklore. I think. Michael Angarano, who plays the main character Jason Tripitikas, is a poor man’s Shia LaBeouf in this flick. I’m pretty sure this movie would make a ton more money if LaBeouf was cast in this film instead. But then again, how quickly could Sam Witwicky learn the art of stick-fighting? Haha. Seriously though, Angarano did a decent job in Kingdom.



Now... Onto the FEMALES in this film. Crystal Liu Yifei as the Golden Sparrow was really cool. She has a cute face, but the main hottie in this movie is Li Bing Bing, who plays Ni Chang, a.k.a. the White-Haired Witch. Holy cow, did she look so good with white hair! Calm yourself down, McParno... The only other thing I’m gonna say about Ms. Bing Bing is that I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of hot young Asian girls in real life start to dye their hair white to look like Ni Chang. What an interesting fad that would be. Not to name names or anything (yea right), but I suggested to Sue a while back that she dress like Chang for this Halloween. I could picture her in long white hair. Wow. One can only dream... I would totally be screwed if Sue read this journal entry, hahaha.



One more thing: Another highlight of this film—other than the awesome cinematography since much of the movie was actually shot in China—was when Lu Yan and The Silent Monk were both unwittingly beating the crap out of Jason Tripitikas as they attempted to teach him martial arts. I was laughing hysterically during that scene! No BSing.



All images courtesy of Lionsgate Films

VOLTRON GOT SERVED... "Hey- Who's laughing now, biatch? Huh? Huh?"